When I was young and newly married, it was my fantasy to be a stay at home mom and housewife, while my husband went off to work to bring home the bacon. My mom had done the same thing, as had my mother in law, so both my husband and I agreed that that was the kind of home life we wanted for our own family. And it worked... for a while. I spent my days playing with our oldest son, taking him for walks, making homemade baby food, cleaning the house to perfection, and cooking hot dinners that we'd all sit down to when daddy got home from work. Little did I know that in just a matter of a few years, I would find myself taking care of two children, cleaning the house, cooking hot meals... and working full time to support my own, one-parent household. That's right, like so many other marriages today, mine didn't make it. But that didn't mean I was ready to give up my dream of being a stay at home mom. I was determined to stay at home, and my dedication to this priority is what led to my freelance writing career. If you, too, are a single parent, wondering how you might benefit from working from home, consider the following:
Flexible scheduling. Most work from home opportunities allow you to set your own schedule. That means you can work in the morning, before the kids wake up, after you tuck the kids into bed at night, during the day while the kids are at school... basically, you can work when you don't have to care for your kids, and you can care for your kids when they need you.
Missed days. One complaint I hear from single mothers who work outside of the home is that any time they have to miss work due to child sickness, doctor's appointments, field trips or any other child-related circumstances, they are worried about paying consequences on the job. That's horrible and unfair, but it's a reality - and one you don't have to deal with when you set your own work schedule, from home.
Being around. The thing I like most about working from home is that I'm always here with my children. Sure, it can get stressful (okay, sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out), and I've had to set some clear ground rules and designate a private, mommy-only work area, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. At the end of the day, I go to bed knowing that I am spending most of my time with my children, and not at an office.
Of course, it wasn't easy, and it took a lot of trial and error to find my right fit, but the important thing is I stayed positive and was able to see the bigger picture: that all the hard work would eventually pay off. I know that if you are determined, persistent, and (most of all) patient, you can find a work from home opportunity that works for you, and that enables you to make the most of the time you have with your children, while they are still children.
Jumat, 06 Oktober 2017
Rabu, 27 September 2017
Business Networking: Successful People Who Know How Networks Can Work For You
Why have I attended over 2,000 networking events in the last seven years? Because I know it works. It brings me the leads, referrals, contacts, visibility and branding that I want for me and my business. The people I network with also know that it works; they are willing to "suit up and show up" as one of them puts it. What about you? Are you still unsure about the benefits? Do you wonder if it is beneficial or if networking is a waste of time? If you don't want to take my word on the power of networking, here are the opinions of a couple people you might have heard of.
Muhammad Ali believes in the power of networking and relationships almost as much as he believed in the power of his own two hands. He told Harvey Mackay in "Dig Your Well Before Your Thirsty" that he learned how to build a network of promoters and endorsers early in his career. He also learned that
"Building a network is about paying attention to what people want."
People want athletes who are the greatest and who entertain them. Ali certainly gave us that and it all came from his ability and belief in networking.
Erma Bombeck may have wondered if life was a bowl of cherries, why was she always in the pits, but she didn't wonder how networking made her career. Early in her humorous writing career, she knew that the big newspaper in her city was run by the proverbial "good ol' boys network." How to break in? They probably weren't fans of her housewife humor. But their wives were. So she went to the small weekly paper in the neighborhood where the editors lived and got the column in front of their wives, who of course loved her. They convinced their husbands to run the column.
"The only people who are lucky building their networks are the ones who work day and night making their networks succeed."
Erma knew that she couldn't reach her target market, but she knew that she could reach the influencers within that network.
If you are looking for proof that networking is an important tool for success, think of these very different people and how it worked for them. An athlete in an industry where you don't think of connections except for glove to face. And a housewife whom millions of women identified with. If you ever enjoyed the thrills of watching Ali or laughed out loud at Erma, remember that they believed in the power of networking.
Beth Bridges has attended over 2,000 networking events in the last 7 years as the Membership Director and Chief Networking Officer of a large west coast chamber of commerce. She remembers how much her grandmother enjoyed Erma Bombeck, which is interesting because Grandma was such a good networker herself.
Muhammad Ali believes in the power of networking and relationships almost as much as he believed in the power of his own two hands. He told Harvey Mackay in "Dig Your Well Before Your Thirsty" that he learned how to build a network of promoters and endorsers early in his career. He also learned that
"Building a network is about paying attention to what people want."
People want athletes who are the greatest and who entertain them. Ali certainly gave us that and it all came from his ability and belief in networking.
Erma Bombeck may have wondered if life was a bowl of cherries, why was she always in the pits, but she didn't wonder how networking made her career. Early in her humorous writing career, she knew that the big newspaper in her city was run by the proverbial "good ol' boys network." How to break in? They probably weren't fans of her housewife humor. But their wives were. So she went to the small weekly paper in the neighborhood where the editors lived and got the column in front of their wives, who of course loved her. They convinced their husbands to run the column.
"The only people who are lucky building their networks are the ones who work day and night making their networks succeed."
Erma knew that she couldn't reach her target market, but she knew that she could reach the influencers within that network.
If you are looking for proof that networking is an important tool for success, think of these very different people and how it worked for them. An athlete in an industry where you don't think of connections except for glove to face. And a housewife whom millions of women identified with. If you ever enjoyed the thrills of watching Ali or laughed out loud at Erma, remember that they believed in the power of networking.
Beth Bridges has attended over 2,000 networking events in the last 7 years as the Membership Director and Chief Networking Officer of a large west coast chamber of commerce. She remembers how much her grandmother enjoyed Erma Bombeck, which is interesting because Grandma was such a good networker herself.
Rabu, 13 September 2017
Say Goodbye to Stay At Home Mom Depression Today
Are you a suffering stay at home mom?
You are not alone. Thousands of women across the United States and the globe are turning away from their careers in order to take care of their families. Although you may not have figured it then, you have actually taken on more work than most 9-5 jobs! And the difference is, you never get a day off - this easily morphs into a 24 hour, never ending daily ordeal.
In a short order, the tasks you thought would be easy have become routine and tedious. You may even begin to resent your kids, or your husband for trapping you inside your home. This is a usual occurrence, and its called stay at home mom depression.
But there are solutions!
Many SAHMs have taken up hobbies, joined online forums, and are linking up with other stay at home moms in order to pass the time and have the support of others who know what they are going through. These are all good ideas. But my favorite idea is to make money.
With the advent of the internet, making money from home is easier than ever - that is, IF you know where to go as well as what to avoid. Hint: avoid "stuffing envelopes". Avoid "data entry." These programs will frustrate you as well as ending up actually costing you money.
There are many popular and reputable programs that can put you on your way to having a productive day at home, without having to give up the things that you like about staying at home. You love being there for your kids, you love being able to avoid the rat race, you love having your free time. But the guilt of not contributing monetarily in this recession or the boredom of your daily grind may be starting to wear you out.
Say goodbye to this depression and despondency by learning new skills, and making money in no time. Mind you, this is not about making huge bucks at first. But as you follow your interests and the instructions of a good program, you will find your finances will be increased as well as your self esteem levels.
I have taken advantage of other SAHMs knowledge, and found that implementation of a few ideas is a great way to dig out of a rut. The awesome thing about the internet is that its always on, and you can do things when your schedule allows.
You are not alone. Thousands of women across the United States and the globe are turning away from their careers in order to take care of their families. Although you may not have figured it then, you have actually taken on more work than most 9-5 jobs! And the difference is, you never get a day off - this easily morphs into a 24 hour, never ending daily ordeal.
In a short order, the tasks you thought would be easy have become routine and tedious. You may even begin to resent your kids, or your husband for trapping you inside your home. This is a usual occurrence, and its called stay at home mom depression.
But there are solutions!
Many SAHMs have taken up hobbies, joined online forums, and are linking up with other stay at home moms in order to pass the time and have the support of others who know what they are going through. These are all good ideas. But my favorite idea is to make money.
With the advent of the internet, making money from home is easier than ever - that is, IF you know where to go as well as what to avoid. Hint: avoid "stuffing envelopes". Avoid "data entry." These programs will frustrate you as well as ending up actually costing you money.
There are many popular and reputable programs that can put you on your way to having a productive day at home, without having to give up the things that you like about staying at home. You love being there for your kids, you love being able to avoid the rat race, you love having your free time. But the guilt of not contributing monetarily in this recession or the boredom of your daily grind may be starting to wear you out.
Say goodbye to this depression and despondency by learning new skills, and making money in no time. Mind you, this is not about making huge bucks at first. But as you follow your interests and the instructions of a good program, you will find your finances will be increased as well as your self esteem levels.
I have taken advantage of other SAHMs knowledge, and found that implementation of a few ideas is a great way to dig out of a rut. The awesome thing about the internet is that its always on, and you can do things when your schedule allows.
Selasa, 29 Agustus 2017
Transferable Skills - What Experience Can You Offer a Prospective Employer?
Values and positive qualities are all very important when you are on the job hunt as these are form part of the job seeker's toolkit to offer a prospective employer. And so are transferable skills which are the skills you gained from the valuable experiences you had while working at a job you maybe hated and the jobs that came before it, and not just jobs, but every area of your life. The importance is that you don't start from scratch each time but you build on the past as you move forward to something new.
What Are Transferable Skills?
Transferable skills are your skills you've gained from jobs, volunteer work, hobbies, sports, and other life experiences; skills that can be used in your next job or new career. In addition to being useful to career changers, defining your transferable skills is also important to those who are facing redundancy (and looking for another step), to new graduates entering the workforce, to those returning to work after an extended absence...
Examples of transferable skills are, for example, your ability to:
• Plan and arrange events and activities
• Delegate tasks to others
• Motivate others
• Attend to visual detail
• Deal with obstacles and crises
• Multi-task
• Present material orally
• Manage time
• Repair equipment or machinery
• Keep records
• Handle complaints
If you haven't had a job before you need to look at your life experiences to give you a clue; look back at the list above, doesn't it describe some of the skills a mother has? Don't dismiss any experience you have had! If you've never been out to work before, don't forget that you worked very hard in the home. I once saw a comparison of a managing director's job description and that of a housewife/mother and whose job do you think was the most challenging and most skillful?
How to Identify Your Transferable Skills
You need to be quite disciplined about this so that you come up with a comprehensive list that you can include in your CV for example or talk about in a job interview.
1 Make all list of all the jobs/'experiences' you have had
2 Take each one in turn and write down the skills you used
3 Rate your level of skill (and don't be modest). Give a 'beginner', 'experienced' or 'advanced' rating to each
4 Make a composite list when you've been through each one starting with the advanced skills
5 Tick the skills you especially enjoy using as this can help you in your job search
Don't wait! Sign up for a FREE two-part webinar series for women when we will look at the issue of self confidence and how to get more of it. Places limited so book here for a place "Get Confident, Get Going or How to Take Tactical Steps To Build Confidence"
What Are Transferable Skills?
Transferable skills are your skills you've gained from jobs, volunteer work, hobbies, sports, and other life experiences; skills that can be used in your next job or new career. In addition to being useful to career changers, defining your transferable skills is also important to those who are facing redundancy (and looking for another step), to new graduates entering the workforce, to those returning to work after an extended absence...
Examples of transferable skills are, for example, your ability to:
• Plan and arrange events and activities
• Delegate tasks to others
• Motivate others
• Attend to visual detail
• Deal with obstacles and crises
• Multi-task
• Present material orally
• Manage time
• Repair equipment or machinery
• Keep records
• Handle complaints
If you haven't had a job before you need to look at your life experiences to give you a clue; look back at the list above, doesn't it describe some of the skills a mother has? Don't dismiss any experience you have had! If you've never been out to work before, don't forget that you worked very hard in the home. I once saw a comparison of a managing director's job description and that of a housewife/mother and whose job do you think was the most challenging and most skillful?
How to Identify Your Transferable Skills
You need to be quite disciplined about this so that you come up with a comprehensive list that you can include in your CV for example or talk about in a job interview.
1 Make all list of all the jobs/'experiences' you have had
2 Take each one in turn and write down the skills you used
3 Rate your level of skill (and don't be modest). Give a 'beginner', 'experienced' or 'advanced' rating to each
4 Make a composite list when you've been through each one starting with the advanced skills
5 Tick the skills you especially enjoy using as this can help you in your job search
Don't wait! Sign up for a FREE two-part webinar series for women when we will look at the issue of self confidence and how to get more of it. Places limited so book here for a place "Get Confident, Get Going or How to Take Tactical Steps To Build Confidence"
Kamis, 03 Agustus 2017
5 Valuable Tips to Empower Your Feminine Nature
Women are always caring and nurturing others but tend to downplay their own needs and desires. We get busy nurturing our mates, children, parents, and friends forgetting that we are important and need to be nurtured as well. Do you ever feel as if you are struggling to be the housewife, career woman, and mother and feel disappointment that you can't seem to get it all under control? Well, lose that thought for now. Have some fun and bring out the sexy woman you are! It is important that we make time for ourselves and care for the feminine essence of who we are. So the first thing we need to do is take time and take some action to bring out our feminine nature and empower the wonderful, feminine woman that we are.
1. Make 1 day a day just for you. Go to an exercise class, then to a massage and pedicure. Or you can do something different at a day spa that you haven't done, possibly a special facial or skin treatment. Luxuriate while you are having a treatment. Think about how you used to feel before all the responsibilities in your life. When you go home put something on that makes you feel sexy and greet your mate with a big sexy kiss.
2. Throw out all the old underwear, and go on a little shopping splurge for some newer, more up to date silky feminine undergarments. Enjoy the way they feel against your skin. Pretend you are 20 again.
3. Try something new, like a belly dancing class or pole dancing class. After you have learned the routine, then do a show for your mate. Feel the feminine part of you and enjoy each move you make. Imagine a fantasy with your mate.
4. Send the kids to a friend's house for a Saturday. Spend your day reading a sensual, romantic novel. Then spend a long hour in a bubble bath, even better a bubble bath with candles. Put on one of your new sexy undergarments and tease your mate.
5. Even when you are having a chaotic day make sure you put on some make-up and lip gloss and some jewelry, it's bound to make you feel like the woman you should.
Celebrate your femininity and empower your feminine side!
1. Make 1 day a day just for you. Go to an exercise class, then to a massage and pedicure. Or you can do something different at a day spa that you haven't done, possibly a special facial or skin treatment. Luxuriate while you are having a treatment. Think about how you used to feel before all the responsibilities in your life. When you go home put something on that makes you feel sexy and greet your mate with a big sexy kiss.
2. Throw out all the old underwear, and go on a little shopping splurge for some newer, more up to date silky feminine undergarments. Enjoy the way they feel against your skin. Pretend you are 20 again.
3. Try something new, like a belly dancing class or pole dancing class. After you have learned the routine, then do a show for your mate. Feel the feminine part of you and enjoy each move you make. Imagine a fantasy with your mate.
4. Send the kids to a friend's house for a Saturday. Spend your day reading a sensual, romantic novel. Then spend a long hour in a bubble bath, even better a bubble bath with candles. Put on one of your new sexy undergarments and tease your mate.
5. Even when you are having a chaotic day make sure you put on some make-up and lip gloss and some jewelry, it's bound to make you feel like the woman you should.
Celebrate your femininity and empower your feminine side!
Senin, 24 Juli 2017
Ideal Relationship Partner Guide: Your Vision of Love
In their search for a loving family, most single people trust their instincts. They fall happily in love with whoever looks appealing, check for a few common interests, and then settle down for what they hope will be a lifetime of happily wedded bliss. The reality however is that most marriages in America today are dismal failures, with close to half ending in divorce. And according to the results of recent broadly demographic surveys, the majority that stay together are finding more disappointment than happiness.
In this series of articles I describe many ways we can make our relationships healthier and happier. But in this article, I describe the importance of skillful partner selection in helping make your family a happy one. I have learned through painful personal experience and years of work as a therapist that no matter how many relationship skills one may have developed, they are useless when we are in a love relationship with an inappropriate partner.
There are some basic questions that I feel must be addressed, hopefully within the first two dates, in order to determine true compatibility and avoid wasting time, maybe years, and lots of tears, on the wrong relationship. You should find out what your partner's vision of a love relationship is all about. This question would seem unnecessary or absurd in a traditional culture where the roles and duties of Husband and Wife are well defined by tradition. Such a society however is a long way from the world in which we live.
I recall when I met my first wife how thrilled I was to hear that she wanted to have a child and be a mother. It was only after the birth of my son that she informed me that she wanted nothing to do with his care, because she intended to spend all her time in preparation for a successful career as a world renowned therapist. "Why don't we hire an au pair?" she would ask whenever I tried to insist that she spend some time at home.
While it is not my purpose to judge her lifestyle choices, or anyone else's, I have to admit to my shock and dismay at discovering how totally different her vision of family life was from mine. And I blame no one but myself for not getting absolutely clear on what "motherhood" meant for her, before committing to a marriage that was wrong for both of us.
Many years ago a couple came to me because they heard I could work miracles as a counselor. They explained they had tried hard to make it work for two years, but needed help. The first thing I asked was for each to describe to me their separate visions of the ideal marriage. Both were absolutely clear.
He said, and I paraphrase: "Love for me is about freedom, the freedom to travel anywhere I want, sleep with anyone I want, and know that my beloved is having her own separate adventures which we will share when we are joyously reunited."
She said: "Love for me is about security. I want to know that every night he will, if possible, spend with me. I believe in faithfulness. I want to live together and raise children in the secure nest of our love."
My response to this couple was that I was not willing to waste their money and time on therapy. I recommended they see a divorce attorney and then get on with their search for a compatible partner. Although they spent another two years of pain and frustration before they gave up on each other, today I still stand by that conclusion.
I believe that in today's liberated moral climate we have an enormous opportunity to reinvent love relationships and free ourselves from the traditional patriarchal model of breadwinner and housewife. Many of us are using this opportunity to explore open relationships, multiple partnering, and new domestic roles.
I have found however that most people looking for a life partner are very clear about what kind of marriage or non-marriage they want. Most either assume that their partner already shares their vision, as I once did, or they assume that under the powerful spell of true love that their partner will change their vision to the "correct" one we want them to have. I have plenty of experience that all such fantasies and assumptions are erroneous. Over time the pain that these fantasies cause our families is incalculable.
We cannot in this morally liberated society attempt to shame or brow beat our partner into submission to what we may regard as the "correct moral" choice. Nor can unfailing devotion and kindness be effective for very long at keeping our partner from pursuing his own dream, whatever it may be. The therapeutic and recovery communities figured out many years ago that the truest love from the most devoted partner will not stop an alcoholic from drinking or a libertine from pursuing his sexual addiction. I believe it is equally impossible to make a person change what he or she wants from a love relationship no matter how loving we are, are how worthy our own vision of marriage may be.
So it is easy to prevent these kinds of chronic heartbreaking situations. In the first or second date, simply ask a potential partner to describe "what is your vision of an ideal love relationship?" Then make sure you actually listen to the answer. Don't fantasize how you will change her. Don't attempt to convince him of the errors of his ways. Take my word on this from 30 years of experience; if you are sexy he will tell you anything you want to hear. He will agree to reexamine his priorities, he will agree to the righteousness of your vision, he will tell any lie at all if he has a chance of getting laid in the near future.
Don't believe any of it. Instead of judging him or providing him with hints about the right answer, ask him or her right up front and without any preparation. Then listen to and trust this initial response. It may not be pleasant, but it will probably be accurate. Then take some time to decide: is this vision similar enough to my own. Not can I fix her attitude, but can I prosper within this vision of relationship?
If you have doubts about the sincerity of your potential partner's story, ask about her relationship history. Much can be learned in this way about their true relationship desires. Most experts on romance tell us to avoid discussion of our previous relationships with a new date because these stories can be sordid and a turnoff to romantic excitement. That's certainly true if you are simply looking for a sympathetic ear to dump your pain into.
But if you are looking for true love, discovering a partner's relationship history will give you critical clues about that person's hopes and dreams of relationship. And since most people need little prompting to talk about themselves, you are likely to get a lot of data. And you need that data to make a healthy decision.
What kind of questions need to be asked? Your inquiry should include such details as these: sexual lifestyle choices including attitudes about monogamy, swinging, homosexuality, and pornography? What are your needs for romance, sex, affection? Do you want children? How many? How and by whom do you see them being raised? What is your Religion, including how important is it that a partner shares your religious faith?
Favorite recreational activities, especially those you would like to share with a romantic partner or mate? How much money do you need, and how in your vision does each of you intend to contribute to the family's prosperity? I'm reminded of a tee shirt I saw on a beautiful young blonde which said "I hope you can make money faster than I can spend it." I celebrate the honesty in her approach.
I find many of these expectations are not voiced aloud at all, but held like a suicide bomber's vest close to our chest until the moment they are used to destroy the trust and love in a marriage. Related to this is the question of how much distance or closeness you want in your relationship. One client was repeatedly enraged that her husband spent several weekends a month traveling for his work. She had assumed that once they were married he would stop, because obviously husbands and wives must spend every night together, right?
Her husband was appalled that she would make such an assumption, and left the marriage soon after this session. Here's another clear example of how the assumptions we make and do not share with our lovers can lead us down a wrong road. By sharing these assumptions on the first or second date we can save years of heartbreak.
It is important that we make a clear distinction between those dreams which we consider absolutely essential for relationship happiness and those desires that we can live without. For example, you want children. How critical is this? Can you meet your needs for children with an extended family or step children? Is having a loving partner more important than kids? In order to make a good choice both of you must be honest with each other without judging each other as "wrong."
Always keep reminding yourself that many acceptable lifestyle choices are available in the Twenty-first Century, and you are looking for someone who shares that particular vision that is yours. Honor your choices, honor your desires, and you have a better chance of getting your needs met. Good luck on your search! I have described strategies for making any relationship more harmonious in other articles.
In this series of articles I describe many ways we can make our relationships healthier and happier. But in this article, I describe the importance of skillful partner selection in helping make your family a happy one. I have learned through painful personal experience and years of work as a therapist that no matter how many relationship skills one may have developed, they are useless when we are in a love relationship with an inappropriate partner.
There are some basic questions that I feel must be addressed, hopefully within the first two dates, in order to determine true compatibility and avoid wasting time, maybe years, and lots of tears, on the wrong relationship. You should find out what your partner's vision of a love relationship is all about. This question would seem unnecessary or absurd in a traditional culture where the roles and duties of Husband and Wife are well defined by tradition. Such a society however is a long way from the world in which we live.
I recall when I met my first wife how thrilled I was to hear that she wanted to have a child and be a mother. It was only after the birth of my son that she informed me that she wanted nothing to do with his care, because she intended to spend all her time in preparation for a successful career as a world renowned therapist. "Why don't we hire an au pair?" she would ask whenever I tried to insist that she spend some time at home.
While it is not my purpose to judge her lifestyle choices, or anyone else's, I have to admit to my shock and dismay at discovering how totally different her vision of family life was from mine. And I blame no one but myself for not getting absolutely clear on what "motherhood" meant for her, before committing to a marriage that was wrong for both of us.
Many years ago a couple came to me because they heard I could work miracles as a counselor. They explained they had tried hard to make it work for two years, but needed help. The first thing I asked was for each to describe to me their separate visions of the ideal marriage. Both were absolutely clear.
He said, and I paraphrase: "Love for me is about freedom, the freedom to travel anywhere I want, sleep with anyone I want, and know that my beloved is having her own separate adventures which we will share when we are joyously reunited."
She said: "Love for me is about security. I want to know that every night he will, if possible, spend with me. I believe in faithfulness. I want to live together and raise children in the secure nest of our love."
My response to this couple was that I was not willing to waste their money and time on therapy. I recommended they see a divorce attorney and then get on with their search for a compatible partner. Although they spent another two years of pain and frustration before they gave up on each other, today I still stand by that conclusion.
I believe that in today's liberated moral climate we have an enormous opportunity to reinvent love relationships and free ourselves from the traditional patriarchal model of breadwinner and housewife. Many of us are using this opportunity to explore open relationships, multiple partnering, and new domestic roles.
I have found however that most people looking for a life partner are very clear about what kind of marriage or non-marriage they want. Most either assume that their partner already shares their vision, as I once did, or they assume that under the powerful spell of true love that their partner will change their vision to the "correct" one we want them to have. I have plenty of experience that all such fantasies and assumptions are erroneous. Over time the pain that these fantasies cause our families is incalculable.
We cannot in this morally liberated society attempt to shame or brow beat our partner into submission to what we may regard as the "correct moral" choice. Nor can unfailing devotion and kindness be effective for very long at keeping our partner from pursuing his own dream, whatever it may be. The therapeutic and recovery communities figured out many years ago that the truest love from the most devoted partner will not stop an alcoholic from drinking or a libertine from pursuing his sexual addiction. I believe it is equally impossible to make a person change what he or she wants from a love relationship no matter how loving we are, are how worthy our own vision of marriage may be.
So it is easy to prevent these kinds of chronic heartbreaking situations. In the first or second date, simply ask a potential partner to describe "what is your vision of an ideal love relationship?" Then make sure you actually listen to the answer. Don't fantasize how you will change her. Don't attempt to convince him of the errors of his ways. Take my word on this from 30 years of experience; if you are sexy he will tell you anything you want to hear. He will agree to reexamine his priorities, he will agree to the righteousness of your vision, he will tell any lie at all if he has a chance of getting laid in the near future.
Don't believe any of it. Instead of judging him or providing him with hints about the right answer, ask him or her right up front and without any preparation. Then listen to and trust this initial response. It may not be pleasant, but it will probably be accurate. Then take some time to decide: is this vision similar enough to my own. Not can I fix her attitude, but can I prosper within this vision of relationship?
If you have doubts about the sincerity of your potential partner's story, ask about her relationship history. Much can be learned in this way about their true relationship desires. Most experts on romance tell us to avoid discussion of our previous relationships with a new date because these stories can be sordid and a turnoff to romantic excitement. That's certainly true if you are simply looking for a sympathetic ear to dump your pain into.
But if you are looking for true love, discovering a partner's relationship history will give you critical clues about that person's hopes and dreams of relationship. And since most people need little prompting to talk about themselves, you are likely to get a lot of data. And you need that data to make a healthy decision.
What kind of questions need to be asked? Your inquiry should include such details as these: sexual lifestyle choices including attitudes about monogamy, swinging, homosexuality, and pornography? What are your needs for romance, sex, affection? Do you want children? How many? How and by whom do you see them being raised? What is your Religion, including how important is it that a partner shares your religious faith?
Favorite recreational activities, especially those you would like to share with a romantic partner or mate? How much money do you need, and how in your vision does each of you intend to contribute to the family's prosperity? I'm reminded of a tee shirt I saw on a beautiful young blonde which said "I hope you can make money faster than I can spend it." I celebrate the honesty in her approach.
I find many of these expectations are not voiced aloud at all, but held like a suicide bomber's vest close to our chest until the moment they are used to destroy the trust and love in a marriage. Related to this is the question of how much distance or closeness you want in your relationship. One client was repeatedly enraged that her husband spent several weekends a month traveling for his work. She had assumed that once they were married he would stop, because obviously husbands and wives must spend every night together, right?
Her husband was appalled that she would make such an assumption, and left the marriage soon after this session. Here's another clear example of how the assumptions we make and do not share with our lovers can lead us down a wrong road. By sharing these assumptions on the first or second date we can save years of heartbreak.
It is important that we make a clear distinction between those dreams which we consider absolutely essential for relationship happiness and those desires that we can live without. For example, you want children. How critical is this? Can you meet your needs for children with an extended family or step children? Is having a loving partner more important than kids? In order to make a good choice both of you must be honest with each other without judging each other as "wrong."
Always keep reminding yourself that many acceptable lifestyle choices are available in the Twenty-first Century, and you are looking for someone who shares that particular vision that is yours. Honor your choices, honor your desires, and you have a better chance of getting your needs met. Good luck on your search! I have described strategies for making any relationship more harmonious in other articles.
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